You do not have to program your grandchildren as much as your kids. Kids just naturally trust grandparents a lot. You are not around each other as much. You have neat stuff. You can make up crap about the good old days. You are real permissive and understanding. Essentially, you treat the grandchildren completely opposite of how you treated their parents. You will make your children look like liars and your perfection shall never be questioned. It is easy to play the saint if you only have to do it for a little while. Always give your grandchildren things that their parents would never approve of. Continue this until they are teens. This is when things really get fun. Remember though, after their graduation is when you go through another series of cruises and vacations. Once kids have fled the leash, they can do all sorts of things to instill inconvenience on your daily schedule. Your grandchild’s foray into drinking, driving, and drugs can bring about all sorts of broken plans. Particularly if they do all three at once. Most likely they will because not only are teenagers experimental, they are also highly durable.

Being a grandparent is an acceptable method of exacting revenge on your children. The grandparent’s most important technique is to dish all the dirt out about their children. This is also good psychology because you get the pent up rage out of your system. It is doubly beneficial because you target a specific audience for this, your grandchildren. Yet, you must do this slowly through out the years. It is preferable to release these secrets whenever the parents have punished said child.

They run to you and that is when the charade begins. Act stern and neutral while they spin their story. Slowly let tears form as if you are being convinced of the atrocities lain upon them. If it all ends in hugs, then you have surely won. Yet, in order to maintain the appearance of fairness, ask them some questions later on. The preferable moment is when most of the snot has gone out of their system. You will know when they are almost done crying and this preserves your wardrobe. You must prep them first. A tale of either you are them from the past is a good starting point. This will make them want to hug you. Then you ask those questions for the sake of objectivity. In theory, this will be one of the few times that you will ever have to tell the truth. Theywill never know because they are accustomed to lying. Once said questions have been answered, get a distant look on your face. Study and mimic a judge’s face from TV. Then all of the sudden break down in smiles and hug them. They will be relieved and grateful that grandma believes them. Your loyalty is not only bolstered, but your wisdom is unquestioned. This opens a lot of doors for you. Those grandchildren have friends and their parents suck too. You can garner all sorts of secrets from the neighborhood. This is very helpful in the daunting art of social climbing.

Let us go back a step to the last hug. After all of the back and forth of switching sides and then the objective moment and into the final hug: we are now down to the perfect moment of inception. Ask them to do something for you, but keep it between yourselves. Naturally things are clandestine because you are above reproach and you are doing the right thing. It is not that Grandma is on your side. It is the fact that you are on the side of Grandma. Grandma is truth incarnate. Truth is good when it serves your best interest. ‘Grasshopper’, that is the primordial secret.

These moments are good moments to indoctrinate the grandchildren as your spies. If your children have good pot connections, then Grandchildren can easily steal some of their stash for you. If they get caught, they will not rat you out. You are the cool Grandma, right. Should the little bastards cave in and talk. Then no one would believe them anyway. Naturally should this occur, you should keep a distance from the grandchildren at first. After a period of time, you face them. Look stern and yet hurt, study soap operas, they do this well. Besides, with all of the television, kids will recognize this look and trust it. Once you have baited them perfectly, you then return to all the steps that you used on your kids. You use these and apply these steps to the said grandchild in question. That is why grandparents are cool. They hang on to necessary things of the past.

Remember, grandchildren are not only your confidante’s and spies, they are also another method in which you can use to continue making your kids lives hell. Yet very little effort is required in keeping this maintenance and confusion. This is also a distant means to reinforce the notion that your own kids are responsible for every bad thing that has happened to you. Your kids will be so burdened and so confused, that their enslavement will not be questioned for many years to come.

In retrospect, when pop knocked up mom, it may have been a good thing. The super-models that had so many abortions that all the scar tissue blocked urine flow have other issues to deal with. They probably had the foresight to know that no one will take care of them during their golden years. Fortunately, they did not need to plan for the future. With unlimited access to vices and whims that we can only dream of, they did not need to plan. Most likely suicide stepped in to help them out. After years of being a bitch and a whore with serious drug addictions, life made a place for them. The super-model’s preferred exit is suicide. Killing one’s self is always chic and trendy. Also, super-models have a lower threshold for pain and inconvenience. The only super-models that escape this fate are those whose gold digger marriages did work out. In which case, their husbands passed early and they got the loot. At this point they have slapped their name on some clothing line and now they are banging hoards of neighborhood pool boys.

Children are nature’s way of staying glitched up. It is like transcendental crack for the planet. Children may also be like transcendental clap for the ages. It itches, but it is still there. The propagation of the human race is man’s way of giving the finger to nature for all the hurricanes, earthquakes, and democratically held administrations through their lifetimes. In the end, it all works out because we die.



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