THE GRAND EVASION 1
I. EVASION TACTICS 101: PLANNING THE IRRESPONSIBLE
The key to this section is the strategic planning of cruises. It is not that we are done with manipulation, it is just time to move into the covert avoidance of all responsibility. These cruises and vacations must be scheduled carefully from here on out. While your children were at home, you were doing this on a smaller scale. This is called drinking yourself silly with your lady friends in mid-afternoon. For men, the same actions are imitated on the golf course. Alcohol got you into this and alcohol can deaden the impact. Alcohol is our global friend. Every culture drinks, even the Arabs. Arabs imitate certain Baptist denominations in this matter.
Most likely, your bastards shall have children of their own. Keep in mind that you really only care about the grandchildren for the first couple of years. That is when kids are the cutest. They are new and they grab all of the neighbor’s attention. You want to be seen with them a lot. After the first couple of years, start planning cruises and vacations. It is your reward for a job well done. Besides, you will be totally unavailable to be commandeered to help with any unavoidable mishaps. Kids break a lot of stuff between the ages of two and six. Most of the time, they have broken one of their bones or something. No one wants their play time interrupted by some call from the hospital.
II. EVASION TACTICS 201: MASTER BLUFFING FROM THE SCREEN ACTORS GUILD
Should said grandchild develop some life-threatening disease, then this may require another technique. That technique is thinking about a sad situation. That sad situation must make you cry. You must apply that technique at various times whenever someone is watching. This will make you look human. You need the audience because you need witnesses and evidence. Watching soap operas will help in these matters if you are a beginner. For further training, watch the news and wait for politicians getting caught for some crap that they have done. For acting on an advanced level, then befriending your husband’s mistress would be very beneficial. Pay her off and hide cameras in whatever bedroom they do it in. Watch her carefully as they have sex. She is his mistress not just because she is prettier and younger. She is also a better actress. You have had sex with that man, you share her pain.
Now you know the pragmatic reasons why actresses sleep their way to the top. It is their screen test. Remember, these are the beginnings of your golden years. After years of self-centered admiration and emotional manipulation, you probably do not have any readily available emotional facilities. In fact, you may have never had a heart because most likely your parents raised you a manner similar to this. That cold selfless bitch that only your husband notices is your parent’s fault. Whatever, the point is that you must get all available mileage out of any given situation. In times like these, just remember to keep bluffing.
III. EVASION TACTICS 301: BACK TO CRUISES
The advantage of cruise ships is television and questionable phone service. The proper scheduling of cruises should coincide with certain years within a child’s life and the NFL playoffs. The husband can drink and watch the game while the wife is banging the bartender. It is another win-win situation, it is good for a marriage. It is also good for you because advice is difficult to attain when you are out to sea. The reason being is because you truly do not have any advice and a cruise covers this well. The other reason is that this is like a check up on the programming within your own children. Heaven help you if they come to their senses. Remember, if all else fails and it all may fall to crap and be exposed. Then you can always tell the neighbors that your kids are on dope. Naturally you are so burdened and so you tell your neighbors to keep it to themselves. This will help the rumor to spread around. This is a good way to ensure sainthood. Who knows, maybe someday they will erect a statue of you on the golf course.
Other key moments to schedule cruises and vacations are during the summertime. The schedule must be placed where it makes it impossible for your kids to dump your grandchildren on you for a whole summer. It shows you how serious your children are about their children’s well being. You know that they blame everything on you when your back is turned. This avoidance through scheduling is called justice. Other proper times of being absent is during their first year of high school. Remember though, you want to spend extra time with them here and there during their tenure in the eighth grade. The idea is that you want to show up at the end of every landmark passage within a child’s life. Long absences in their lives just give your children room to reverse that whole responsibility thing on you.
IV. EVASION TACTICS 401: MAKING DEATH AND DISEASE AN ACCEPTABLE HIDING PLACE
While the teen begins high school in your absence, a few things get accomplished. The first thing is that another opportunity presents itself to drink profusely and see the world. The next item is that high school is whengrandchildren really begin to spin out of control. You know that it is going to happen, so you might as well face it by not being around. In theory, all the scars in that kid’s life can really build here. With you out of the picture for a while, then your kids will fall during their juggling acts of managing your grandchildren. This is when parents can make the most serious and obvious mistakes. All blame gets lain during these years. Since you are not around for any blame to pass, you still come out shining. Should your grandchildren get hooked on drugs, porn, or whatever, one may need to schedule more cruises. One may also discover that this is a good time to update your health insurance.
With medicine being big business and society coming up with new ways to milk our fear of death, then you too can ride that gravy train. Remember, no one is right or wrong anymore. That form of bourgeois thinking has been long dead. In this day and age, everything is relative. These are the moments in which you must compare yourself to a monster. The important thing about relativity is what you compare yourself to. You need to believe that act of sainthood in order to pull it off. You need that monster comparison because if you were to truly see yourself as you are, then you would discover how closely fiction and truth truly lie. Now is no time for the truth. Should the monster thoughts continue once your moment has passed, then blame your parents again and continue drinking until you feel better. If said thoughts still continue, then consult your doctor for pills. Doctors are in the pharmaceutical companies pockets. With the internet, you can learn what symptoms you need to rehearse. It does not matter if you are believable, they just need a reason to make and pass a buck. The short cut method to this is to rummage your grand children’s belongings. Kids get the best dope and there is no paper trail.
In a society that stands on the assumption that we are basically good, then everything must be labeled a disease to keep the props in place for this form of malarkey. Fortunately, this has been going on for a while. What was once sin is now a disease. Instead of calling things what they are, we now rename things with enough words to develop an acronym. Layers of propaganda is the tried and true method of effectively covering up the truth. These re-christened diseases are also accompanied by the appropriate drug and pamphlet. Since there is a market for this, some Hospitals have updated their facilities to be resorts. You can fake C. I. A. like diseases while yukking it up in Tahoe. All the while, the insurance companies pick up the tab. Naturally, you will have to come home and dry out from all of this fun. At this point, your grandchildren are seriously messed-up. They despise your children, their parents, probably more than you do. This may be construed as another form of bonding that occurs when older generations relate to younger generations. Call it what you will as long as you look good. Remember, when you are bluffing act like no one needs to notice. People see what they want to see. Particularly if you make it appear that getting involved will cut into prime time programming. No one really wants to get involved in anything, therefore make it easy for all onlookers to get their pass.
2.1 FLODA RELTIH’S THE GRAND EVASION O1O VEX THEORIA